Random funny things

True Porn Clerk Stories (entirely work safe, except for your inevitable uncontrollable snickering) – I remember reading this a couple of years back, and laughing my head off. A couple of years (and a few more inches round the waist) later, I’ve forgotten enough of the stories to have a good laugh off of them again. The writer is a First Amendment Feminist (women are equal to men, and adults are allowed to do what they like) who works in a video store renting porn. It’s ripe with situational humour. She’s a terribly intelligent woman, stuck in a job where her customers are either ashamed or sub-intelligent, rather like having Virginia Woolf collect the toll for an S&M cabaret (we can do without the streams-of-consciousness for that, Ms Woolf).

You know you can’t resist visiting a blog with a name like that, O Pokemon Hentai fans!

I think the reason straight guys like enormous schlongs, apart from the whole bigger = more powerful and more potent thing, is that it’s an easy answer to Freud’s unanswerable question: what do women want? The real answer is too hard. Women want you to be independent but emotionally available. They want you to be attached but not smothering. They want time and attention, and also some time alone. They want you to grow and change with them. They want you to be all kinds of things, and it’s going to be a different list for every woman, and that list is always subject to change without notice. For some men, and many of my regular porn addicts, I think, fall into this category, the answer is that women want you to change that glaring personality flaw and learn to talk to them like a human being. Maybe they want you to take a frigging shower.

The other way is so much easier. What do women want? Enormous, glistening cocks. If you’ve got one, great, your job is done. No need to worry about anything else. If you don’t, well, then if women don’t like you it’s not your fault.

My friends who think I have a terrible job should read this for an idea of what a terrible job really is. And she explains a little why it is I don’t mind working late hours for a meager salary – it’s just cooler to be stuck in a terrible job than to be a suit, an act of defiance that says I WON’T join the rat race, even if it means I work in a Starbucks, wear an apron and ahve to call twelve year olds “Sir” (see the New York article on grups, or read Waiter Rant for more yuppie-contempt).

Sid and Laskar – a tragic strip has only a single joke, and will get old really quick but it’s meaningful and rather amazing how much pseudo-philosophy-psychology you can squeeze into three panes. Visit it just the once and go through a few comics – I’ve never laughed so hard because of grass (possibly because I’ve never taken it).

The Comics Curmudgeon is a meta-entertainment site, which rides on the fact that newspaper comics these days are just not very funny anymore. When was the last time Charlie Brown made you laugh? (Not in a maniacal, I-Want-To-Kill-That-Dog kind of laugh) You’ll even recognize some of the comics published in Singapore’s papers (given that you bother to read the comics). Dreadfully dull-sounding panels about Rex Morgan, M.D. and Apartment 3G (not in an IT way) are injected with a fresh breath of humour. Meta-humour! Derrida would be so proud.

Wherein I Mock the Local Media

Meidacorp’s ad for reporters:

MediaCorp News

You will cover stories for our daily television news bulletins. You are expected to be an outgoing and dynamic individual with a flair for writing and a keen interest in news and current affairs.

You should have a good voice and a strong presence in front of the camera. In addition, you should possess a good University Degree with at least 5 years’ relevant experience and be effectively bilingual in English and Mandarin. You must be prepared to work irregular hours and weekends.

Perhaps the sad lot of new reporters who parade on Singaporean news have flairs for writing and keen interests in news and current affairs, and I’ll give some of them “good voice”, but “strong presence in front of camera” is dubious, unless looking constipated and worried can be considered to be having a strong presence?

Then again I guess it’s not too easy to have a “strong presence” when the story you’re reporting is about how Mrs Lee from Ang Mo Kio has too many potted plants and risks the lives of her neighbours (!!!) with the threat of deadly dengue mosquitoes.

Yeah yeah, trolling ads now…

Wherein I cannot even take a dump in my toilet

Remember a couple of months back when I posted about my inability to take a proper shit in my own home? (If you are easily offended by talk of shit I suggest you leave now! Go! Lest the demons of Toilette Hell flood your delicate tissue-paper ears with foul expulsions!)

Since the days of la toilette portable, I have been blessed with a smooth toilet experience (constipation aside). However, a new menace has raised its ugly posterior in recent days and the shit’s hit the fan (oh the puns! slay me!).

Because of my work schedule (slave hours), I generally get home pretty late, whereupon I usually take some time sitting around in front of my computer looking at my friends’ weblogs and grousing at their lack of posts before attending to my toilet in a slow and leisurely fashion. Whilst I understand some people prefer to get in and out as soon as possible, I tend to take my time, making sure that all the business at hand is taken care of before I leave. Unfortunately, my neighbours have seen fit to ruin this single joy in my miserable slave-to-society lifestyle.

For you see, my neighbours are Indians (for the clarification of any American readers, I live in Singapore and our Indians are the real things from India). And they are not merely any Indians, but they are Indians who cook. Errrm. As opposed to Indians who don’t cook.

I believe my neighbours run some kind of food outlet, which requires them to prepare their inventory at night in anticipation of the day’s business. As such, the delicious smells of meat roasting and curried spices fill the air at night. Despite my general lack of ability to handle much spice, I love the smell of it and many a time at night I have found myself dreaming of food, food that is spicy and pleasing to the nose.

On the flip side, it is most difficult to take a dump when the air is saturated with the fragrances of tandoori chicken.

My body usually reports confusion as to which orifice should be doing what.

Am posting these here so I can watch them at leisure when I want. I love Annie Lennox. I remember in the days when we were still using cassette tapes I used to have Walking on Broken Glass the entire length of one side. Ahhh, innocence, when you thought a woman dressed up as a man dressed up as a woman was ironic.

Alors, enjoy!

I’d never seen this one before – Annie performing at The Top of The Pops, lip-synching her own song in a cute Minnie Mouse cap. I think she has to be the only singer I know of with a legitimate right to lip-synch – after all she parodies drag queens enough.

Fun! In my sister’s room!

Went back last night to my parents’ place because Sister had messaged me that it was our Father’s birthday, and thus Mother had decreed that all of us, including my errant Brother and I, had to be home to celebrate the event.

The above sentence contained all members of my family.

Well, except for Lethargy and Apathy, our oldest and and dearest family friends.

It turned out that it was not Father’s birthday after all – that happens in four days. As such, there was no celebration and I sat around the house doing little. For I am something of a nerd and am easily bored once I do not have a computer to use, and my laptop was at my place.

And I didn’t want to use my sister’s computer:

Because when I go to my parents’ place I either have to sit in my sister’s room or face Mother’s monologues on the Evils of the World (usually involving the parents of her students), I had to resort to entertaining myself with my sister’s feminine distractions. Errr. Meaning I had to read girly books, though the variety of sparkly earrings also managed to hold my attention for some time.

Assorted female magazine, beside doling out advice on the various ways a girl could make herself look more alluring to men or how to tell if said men were cheating on them with other alluring women, also contained TV listings for the entire week, including short one-line summaries for the drama serials. One particular summary caught my eye, featuring a girl who was going to extremes to make herself desirable:

Caption says: Life for a life: Caiyi allows herself to be eaten.

Army Songs

The Singapore Army has put up some Army Songs for free download, in the hopes that they will “help instill pride in our soldiers and build the esprit-de-corp in Our Army.”

Looks like our Armed Forces has really lived up to its promise to use technology as a battlefield leveller. A synthesizer will have to be included into the infantry standard equipment so our marching soldiers can, with the aid of the latest technological advances, build camaderie and fighting spirit faster than those poor soldiers from less-developed nations that have to rely solely on the feeble voices of their soldiers.

Somewhere in this world there has to be a video of someone getting their head shaved who doesn’t look like they’re going to cry. Time to get Vin Diesel to model for the SAF?

Artistic Ideas

Some ideas:

Singapore has some of the toughest censorship laws in the world – with a special emphasis on political censorship. How about a piece of art that details the artist’s painstaking process of obtaining a license for his work? It would have to contain an element of political antagonism, of course, just to ensure that it gets censured by the Media Development authority, but here’s the terrifyingly brilliant part – this political agenda is actually secondary and arbitrary – it’s only purpose is to ensure the art gets rejected for a license. It should therefore be displayed completely askew from the rest of the work, so as to show how extranuous it is. However, this makes it only the more essential – I can imagine MDA’s puzzlement over it and their demands for it to be removed before a license can be obtained. The artist, of course, will have to reply that this element plays an essential role and thus must remain, yet because of the work’s unpolitical nature it of course bears no significance politically and thus is emasculated. This goes into a loop, of course, which is the entire purpose of the act – to produce a piece of art that is wonderfully self-referential. I’m not sure it it classifies as performance art or dispaly – I suppose you could put on display the letters MDA sends, as well as responses from all the levels of bureaucracy the artist would approach. The graphic designer in me sees a close-up of a mouth, bound with red tape. I don’t think it should be titled.

Fetish porn for withholding sex. It would just have two people who kept looking feverishly at each other and telling each other in whispered tones how horrible it would be of them to indulge in it, how terribly wrong and against all morality for them to have sex. They should be dressed in severe, black clothes, with white collars to give them that good-Christian look. They should pant and grunt as they stare at each other across a roomful of grunting, sweaty naked bodies, fully clothed and sweating also. It would have to be film, of course, and I don’t think it should ever climax.

Post too terrible to name

More uTube fun! We have a clip featuring some random Magical Girl anime scenes mashed up to form an Anime Music Video, but with a twist – the accompanying music is amateur – some girl singing along to a song titledLet Me Fall. And she’s not good (to put it lightly).

I guess this is why lip-synching is more common than face-synching.